No Smoking, Day Two

Unbeknownst to my friends in Chicago (discluding the ones attending Johnny’s Labor Day Extravaganza on Sunday) and elsewhere I decided to quit smoking. Cigarettes.

To myself, they never seemed to be the evil friend that is trying to kill you while you’re having a good time, not unlike an insane wife poisoning you with arsenic during dinner parties at your mansion. They were what excused me from work, relaxed my nerves after stressful situations (15 years and counting), and forced me to lie to homeless people.

Every penny has its tail.

So (fuck fuck fuck) I’ve decided to quit. Deal with it, as I will be.

I was disappointed in myself that I bought the Nicoderm “STOP SMOKING AID” at a downtown Walgreens at 5:15pm, while people were actually buying dinner for their families (Chef Boyardee, Lean Cuisine, etc.). The wait was agonizing. Three people back in the line to my left was a teenage girl already worse-for-the-wear holding three 1lb. bags of Haribo Gummi Bears. In front of me was an elderly woman buying a pack of safety razors. Myself, I had nothing. The Nicoderm, or NicoDerm, “STOP SMOKING AID” was located behind the front counter next to the VHS tapes, newest DVD titles, hard liquor, and cigarettes.

“So, we’ve arrived here,” said Walgreens.

“I guess we have.”

“What’ll it be?”

He was the soda jerk of the twenties disguised as an annoyed female, black teen. I was at the counter deciding whether or not to actually go through with it…instead of a chocolate shake or a Coke.

“I need that NicoDerm CQ. Step one.” I stood with debit card in hand, tapping. It’s not that I was being impatient on her extremely slow speed, it’s that I wanted to buy this motherfucking nicotine tit, get on the bus, get the fuck home, smoke my last two cigarettes and stick this motherfucker on my arm (well, chemically, through my arm).




And now I am the proud owner of a box of drugged band-aids and a tiny trash can. So as to not accidentally kill myself or think it funny to apply the patch directly on my scrotum, I read the instructions. And after the instructions, the helpful hints/pointers:

  • “Many NicoDerm CQ users will be able to stop smoking for a few days but often will start smoking again.”

Thanks, NicoDerm User’s Guide, for the encouragement. Can I just call a toll free number and PREPAY for all of the kits I will need in the future. Each one costing $50 multiplied by…how many times do you think it’ll take? Aw, hell…fuck it.

  • “Your reason for quitting may be a combination of concerns about health, the effect of smoking on your appearance, and pressure from your family and friends to stop smoking. Or maybe you’re concerned about the dangerous effect of second-hand smoke on the people you care about.”

Wow, NicoDerm User’s Guide, you narrowly missed the head of that nail. Actually, your hammer smacked another dude’s wood project and now he’s pissed.

Smoking takes a lot of money.

That’s it.

  • “Put together an Emergency Kit that includes items that will help take your mind off occasional urges to smoke. You might include cinnamon gum or lemon drops to suck on, a relaxing cassette tape, and something for your hands to play with, like a smooth rock, rubber band, or small metal balls.

In my mind all I could see was a bunch of orangutans in a room, half of them swinging at a pinata and the other half listening to Michael McDonald while sucking each other off.

This quitting smoking is going to be hell.

  • Set aside some small rewards, like a new magazine or a gift certificate from your favorite store, which you’ll “give” yourself after passing difficult hurdles.

Difficult hurdles like trying to convince yourself that the shit you just bought from your favorite store and lugged home on the bus was not actually from you but from a secret admirer that is going to leave it on your bathroom floor in three days torn to shreds because he didn’t know that you had a dog.


“Don’t you feel better now that you’ve quit smoking?”

“Fuck yeah…I got a magazine, bitch.”

  • “Concentrate on the ways non-smokers are more attractive than smokers.”

Wow. Just, wow. “See that smoker? She’s UGLY! You don’t want to be friends with UGLY PEOPLE, DO YOU?”

  • “Think about…all the nonsmoking places, and what you will do there.”

You’re an idiot, NicoDerm CQ. You can’t smoke anywhere anymore.

Ooooooooo…I’m gonna go the Go Kart track and bet on children racing. That’s much more exciting than Flavor Country.

Now I just want to quit so I can tell someone that works at GlaxoSmithKline Consumer Healthcare
that I did it without their terrible advice.

One Response to “No Smoking, Day Two”
  1. April says:

    “In my mind all I could see was a bunch of orangutans in a room, half of them swinging at a pinata and the other half listening to Michael McDonald while sucking each other off.”

    Sounds like my kind of party.

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