One of the Many Defintions of Loneliness, or a Vacation in Colors; pt.3

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Lil’ Knuckles drove me to my parent’s house in South Carolina, as I stated before. Adventures on the highway…I was smiling…we got lost. I asked directions at the record store (that I remebered from before for having an AMAZING metal record selection) and she (the clerk) told me to go the waythat we were travelling…just go go go…a few doors down, at the five and dime, Knucks was lost in the waterfall aisles of bullshit/toys/flags/masks/gags. Needless to say I lost Knucks for twenty minutes, only to find her bewildered by a toy ________, saying, “Oh my god…this is GREAT”. We spent a healthy 80 minutes spilling our vocal frosting on everyting from joke top hats to rebel flags. “We gotta get to Mom’s.”

“I know, baby, but, god, LOOK at this!”

We hopped back in the Volvo…(at first I was worried, honestly, that she had left me there. Maybe it is a deep concern of mine…I found myself myself in the record store…taking a long time…I thought that she was going to be there…you know, I come outside and I DON’T SEE HER CAR! SHE LEFT ME HERE! IN THE MIDDLE OF SOUTH CAROLINA!)

We leave and take the directions given by the girl at the record store…which are not accurate. Imagine that. Looking out the windows to the factories and warehouses thirsting for human interaction, I ask Knucks, “You think we did something wrong?”


She goes inside of a gas station while I call my sister, asking Where the Fuck Am I?

“What do you see?”

“A guy that is going to rape someone and an empty bottle of Dr. Pepper.”

“I don’t know where that is. Can you be more specific? Like names of streets…or landmarks?”

“Uhhhhh…wait, she’s coming back now…”

“Duder…,” Knucks says, “He didn’t have shoes on…but he told us to look for White Horse Lane.”

“White Horse Lane.” We have to take a left after Kmart and White Horse Lane will be there…and then we’ll be there. That’s what I was told.

In the Carolinas street names don’t mean shit. Directions are like whether or not you want whipped cream on your Slush Puppy. “Well, yeah, if you got it, bro.” Nothing…we got nothing except headaches. And one way tickets to where the weird shit goes down…where-the-back-roads-and-the-backroads-people-hang-out-and-give-outsiders-bullshit-directions-because-I-don’t-have-to-give-actual-directons-because-I-have-no-shoes-on…

Oh, shit.

Dad gets on the phone.

He’s had two strokes. And he doesn’t like me very much.

“Where you at?”

“I just figured it out with Annie.”

“Where you at?”

“Uhh, there soon?”

“Where you at?”



I could see him sitting in his recliner really giving it some thought.

Where you at? was what I expected out of his mouth…the fat retard.

“Where you at?”

Jesus chrsit. I felt so sad and mad and depressed at the same time.

The sun was setting before my eyes…

…but I couldn’t enjoy it because I was lost and because my parents hated me and because I was lost and because I would never be an upstanding (blank).


My mom told me to take a left at the canoe store. We made our way there…where we found the canoe store that is…and Kate said, “There’s the canoe store.”

I looked and said to her, “You think that’s the one she’s talking about?”

Honestly, that’s what rang in my head.

“Really, Luc? ‘Is that the canoe store?’ You just asked me that? What fuck other canoe store would there be in this backasswards place? Your parents live in Traveller’s Rest, South Carolina…WHAT OTHER CANOE STORE WOULD BE HERE?”

“Hahahahaha.” But yet I feel like a chode for being honest.

Maybe there was another?

Mom told me on the phone that she would be in front of the house.

I told Kate that and she thought that it was really funny. She was there, though. FUPA and all. There’s mom.

More…coming up.

5 Responses to “One of the Many Defintions of Loneliness, or a Vacation in Colors; pt.3”
  1. RJ says:

    You just said your mom has a FUPA. You are SO going to hell.

    PS: See you there.

  2. I think in Hell, we will all have FUPAs. It’s part of it.

  3. knucks says:

    “He’s had two strokes. And he doesn’t like me very much.”

    dinner would’ve made alot more sense had you told me this beforehand.

  4. I’ve told you about my dad’s strokes. You don’t listen to me. You’re too busy laughing about rape.

    T-Shirt Idea –

    Can’t Rape the Willing, Panda Bear.

  5. colleen says:

    did you know that I have family in travellers rest South Carolina..?…weird. but i don’t think they canoe.

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