I’ve Listened to These Recently… April 23, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Reviews.Tags: black tusk, diamond nights, Metal, metallica, Reviews
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…while pacing and questioning that three-pack deal from the corner store.
Artist: Black Tusk
Album: Passage Through Purgatory
Format: LP
Metal from the southland of the USA has its own agenda, its own brutality. What it is, I’m not sure, but goddamn it is scary as the dickens. Black Tusk hail from Savannah, GA, and proudly display the pentagram on the bass drum, but I doubt that they worship anything that doesn’t start with “Pabst” or “Dank”. The fury is evident when the needle hits the groove and you are mesmerized by “Witch’s Spell,” and all of the chest-beating and belting that goes with it. This is the filthy child on the street unspoken for. A hail of the horns not to the Northern Wind but to the Southern Still Humid Air. This is a hot rod mowing you down if you so much as bathe more than once a week. The only problem…it’s too damn short. I’m still listening, hellions.
Artist: Metallica
Album: Ride the Lightning (45rpm Reissue)
Format: LP
Uh, it’s the good Metallica. Duh.
Even thinking about how much Lars Ulrich is a douche now…you can’t deny what he WAS.
Artist: Diamond Nights
Album: Popsicle
Format: LP
“Music to screw to.”
“Music to love your old lady by.”
Yeah, yeah. But what about, “Music to get pregnant to.”?
Here it is in all of it’s roller skating rink glory. Why is it that ugly musicians seem to know so much about sex and fucking? My theory: Being ugly, they’ve fantasized about it their entire lives…but now that they’re rockers they get it aplenty. Now, they’re addicted and all of the music surrounds it in a sweaty, stinky, “I promise” hug that no one could shake free of. With a lickety-split they have the listener sitting with a boner wondering why they are sitting and listening to it instead of hiring the cheapest whore they can find to do the things that this record makes them think of. Truly no-holds-barred bitch-metal. Fuck, yes.
Just Be Yourself; A Lesson From Ali Gator April 23, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Reviews, Uncategorized.Tags: garbage pail kids, misterbuckets, movie, rax
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If you happen upon a copy of Garbage Pail Kids the Movie, by all means watch it. If for anything, the scene
where each character introduces themselves, and subsequently their “gifts”, is a gem. Foul Phil sums up his life thus far with a emptying, but somehow laughable, line, “Are you my daddy?” “Not in this lifetime,” answers the shopkeeper, Cap’n Manzini, much to the pleasure of everyone else in the room (including Valerie Vomit, Greaser Greg, Nat Nerd, and the precious Windy Winston), save for Foul Phil, who merely lowers his head in complete disgust at himself. Ali Gator, in all his Gator-glory, proudly displays his lunch box full of eyeballs and fingers, even offering goodies to all within earshot, and when they grimace and pass, a simple shrug and an, “Oh, well..” and his world is unchanged. You go, Ali Gator. (Not to be confused with Rax’s spokesperson, Uncle Alligator, who was an avid skateboarder and roast beef eater, not a mouthy, man-eating, three foot tall bad ass.)
Why Can’t Jim Own Canadians? April 13, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Nonfiction, Other's Articles.Tags: bible, homosexuality, humanism, misterbuckets, old testament, scripture
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An open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger from Jim at the Utah Humanist.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
Some of My New Favorites April 12, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Nonfiction, Other's Articles.Tags: Links, Odd Websites, Surf, Useful Websites
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Heavens…
- Flickr Color Selectr – Search for Flickr photos by color.
- Contestants and Champions – Check out the competition before entering the World Beard and Mustache Championships.
- How to Camouflage an Entire Airplane Factory – It was done, very well I might add, in WWII.
- Drinks Mixer – Searchable database of booze.
- The Brick Testament – The stories of the Old Testament realized through the universal language of Legos.
- Truck Spills – A categorized treasure trove of wrecked trucks carrying the strangest cargo. Example: horse blood.
- Chris Christmas Rodrigeuz – Santa’s bitchin’ helper.
- Damn Frightening – You’ll see.
- Breathing Earth – With so many statistics, it’s inevitable but to become one.
King Diamond Interview April 12, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Nonfiction, Reviews.Tags: audio, download, interview, King Diamnond, Metal, Music
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Here is the full audio of the phone interview I did with King Diamond for Your Flesh magazine. Enjoy.
Listen to it here: King Diamond Interview
Fuck Off, Thanksgiving…Who Needs You, Pt. 2 April 10, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Nonfiction.add a comment
Something else came to mind…
- After swimming and convincing Jonathan that wearing running pants into a bar is nothing to worry about, we ventured into his his new apartment. “I’m never here. Seriously, it’s like 10 hours a week.” For being home such a small amount of time, the place seemed to be put together enough. “You know what the best part about living by yourself is?” “What?” “Peeing with the door open.” We smoked and talked and I felt the sudden urge to shit. “I gotta shit.” He just laughed and started searching for a pair of trousers to put over his running pants. I settled on a pee and asked, “You know what the best part of being in your friend’s apartment who lives by himself is?” “No, what?” “Peeing with HIS door open.”
Fuck Off, Thanksgiving…Who Needs You April 8, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Nonfiction.1 comment so far
As I was walking back from my swim (yes…I’ve reached the age where I “work out”…I’m as confused as anyone else that knows me) I was thinking of my life (I know, deep) and, eventually, everything that I was truly thankful for.
I only say truly in reference to the bullshit heard around Thanksgiving dinner like, “I’m thankful for everyone here in this room.” That’s bullshit…no one is thankful for Aunt Darlene, the notorious cheater at board games and god knows what else. Or cousin Jenny’s handicapped husband who somehow beats her. I’ll just stop there.
Anywho…I came up with a few…
- My usual Friday and/or Saturday bar, Simon’s. As I later figured out in a nearly hallucinogenic LSD flashback to 1998 when, at 20 years of age, I encountered my first bar. I was in Chicago to record a record with my band at the time, name withheld. (Okay, fine. We were called Urban Dance Squad.) After a long day in the studio (what a prick thing to say), the engineer, Matt Allison, felt like getting a beer. “Er…I’m only 20,” I said while secretly hoping it didn’t matter. “That doesn’t matter. We’re going to Simon’s. I know the guys there.” Sure enough, no problem. It was about two years ago when I looked around the present day Simon’s and realized, “Shit. This is the first bar I was ever in in my life.” It was like it was meant to be. Further proof lies in the fact that I got a free shot of Maker’s Mark when I informed the bartender, Dr. Keith, of that fact.
- My lease of almost two years. You see, my apartment rules. It’s cheap, at least for its size. I’m friends with my neighbors, which is key. It may be old and kinky at times (kinky in that it has a lot of kinks, not because it likes to be tied up). My landlord, Margaret, has never made a fuss that I misspell her last name on every rent check. It wasn’t on purpose, you see…it was just that I thought I had been spelling it correctly the entire time until about a year ago when one of my neighbors informed me of the correct spelling. “Well, each check has cleared so I’m gonna play dumb.” To this day there is no fuss. Not to mention that it’s located in Uptown, notorious for its architecture, crazy people, and the mini-ghetto of Wilson Ave.
- My summer of Motorcycling. Duh.
This list is in no way complete. I just live off the top of my head.
Not to be a Geek… April 2, 2008
Posted by misterbuckets in Uncategorized.add a comment
…but after tracking down Slayer’s South of Heaven on vinyl and listening to it countless times, I now know what heaven is.
The funniest part was when I showed Todd the record and he exclaimed, “Holy shit, Slayer’s on Def Jam?”
“Yes. Well, they were. It was all Rick Rubin, you know.”
“Wait, Rick Rubin does Slayer?”
“Yes…well, no one does Slayer. Slayer does you. He just produced them.”
“Ha…Def Jam.”
Yes. Def Jam. You knw what else? Favorite lyric of all time: “Bastard sons begat your cunting daughters”.
Ha, cunt as an adverb.
